I'd buy some for my parents too.
I would spend my days shopping and going to concerts, premieres etc.
So basically, I would spend my days in company of celebs.
I would also spend alot of money on charity, mostly for animals.
Why do I have an eating disorder..
I can't really answer that question.
I can tell you how it all started, but why.. I don't know
Some of my thoughts:
* I need to be thin, I need to be in controle, I want to eat but not feel guilty..
* I want to be pretty, I want to be noticed, I want to be loved.... I want to be.. happy..
* I want to be understood, I don't want your help, I don't need your help, leave me alone..
* I don't want to be fat, I only feel good when i'm thin, people will like me more...
* I will like myself more... maybe
* I want to dissapear
* I don't want to eat today... I don't want to eat tomorrow either...
* I don't want to feel alone anymore
* I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel misunderstood, I feel hurt... I have to throw up
Only people who suffer from an eating disorder understand... so please don't try, you can't.
I can't explain, but:
I added alot of video's about anorexia (ana) and bulimia (mia) on my youtube page,
@ my favorites
I also made 2 thinspiration video's myself, they're at my own video section.
There are about 70.000.000 people out there who have an eating disorder (ed)
YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!!
List of celebrities who have (or had) an eating disorder ... these are only a few of them.. :
Mary Kate Olsen
Olivia Newton John
Let me tell you a little bit more about myself..
As I don't want to give you my real name, I'll call myself Christina (like my thinspiration Christina Ricci).
I'm a young girl who has been struggeling with eating disorders for the past 8 years of my life.
It all started when I was 14 years old, and I found myself too fat.
I guess I wasn't, but I was a little curvy anyway.
My height is 1m55 / 5'1".
My weight at that time was 52 kilo's / 114 pounds
What I did was skipping meals. I wouldn't eat breakfast and lunch, I only ate diner in the evening.
After a while I started purging too. Not every day, but when I was home alone I would stuff myself with food and start throwing up.
That lasted for about 2 years, but I didn't really loose any weight during that time (or maybe a little bit but nothing worth telling about).
When I was 16 I started to gain weight during the summer.
I gained about 3 kilo's / 7 pounds ( weight at the time: 55 kilo / 121pounds)
That was because I really didn't want to skip meals anymore and I became obsessed by eating.
It wasn't that much of a weight gain, but because i'm really small in size it was kinda drastic.
I was very curvy at the time and I looked swollen up.
(Note: I still had bulimia!)
Alot of bad things had happened to me during that summer. Like a friend of mine got involved in a car crash which lead to 4 months of coma and a severe handicap for the rest of his life, I also used to have troubles at school.
In September I went to a new school and some of the girls in my class had an eating disorder.
Those who didn't have one were skinny anyway.
You had to be thin there to be approved because it was a performing arts school and we were trained for a future in the media.
So I didn't really fit in in my class with all those skinny girls, but I had alot of friends and was happy anyway.
After 3 months, a new girl came into my class. (I will call her Nicole)
Nicole had anorexia, she was literally skin and bones. (I had known her for a little while when we were 13 years old and at that time she was slightly fat)
She became my close friend and I started to feel bad about my weight again.
You have to know that she never ate (only a little bit of breakfast) and she used to constantly talk about losing weight and looking fat etc.
My bulimia started to get worse and I began to throw up about 4 times a week (before it was only about 4 times a month..)
But of course, that wasn't enough so I didn't lose weight. I did became very addicted to purging and after a month I did it every day (sometimes I even did it 2 or 3 times a day).
It got so bad that sometimes I even threw up blood because the acids were destroying my stomach.
I started to hang out with Nicole outside school too. One night, I stayed over at her house.
I remember that we went to school that day and we ate nothing (she influenced me on not eating lunch), after school we went to her house. She had 5 brothers and sisters, and her parents made diner for all 5 of them but they hadn't even prepared a meal for Nicole (and for me neither by the way!)
I was shocked that they didn't even bother to make her diner anymore, I guess they were used of her not eating.
My mother always forced me to eat, she thinks that food is a blessing and she's obsessed by it aargh.
So anyway, we didn't eat that night, it was the first time in my life that I went to bed with a totally empty stomach (while not being ill) and to be honest, I wasn't even hungry and it felt great.
I remember being so proud of myself for not eating that day and I was also amazed that it was so easy.. I didn't even feel the urge to eat.
The next morning we ate some cereals and some yoghurt, and that was it. We went to school and we didn't eat troughout the day. When I came home that evening, I told my mum that I had already eaten on my way home so I didn't eat that night as well.
The sleepover at Nicole's house was very dramatic in the developement of my anorexia.
From that day on, I only ate breakfast (and that mostly consisted of cereals and yoghurt) and I only drank 1 can of diet coke during the whole day.
After only 2 weeks, I started to lose weight.
Remember that when it started, I weighed about 55 kilo / 121pounds.
In less than 3 months, I lost 11 kilo's / 24 pounds.
I weighed 44 kilo / 97 pounds.
Whenever I had to eat (like in the weekend, I had no excuse not to eat so my mom made me) I purged it.
I also used to hide my food while I was "eating", like I made sure I had pockets and put the meat in them to throw it away. I also made it look like I had already eaten by putting a plate on the table and crumbeled some bread on it.
I also used to work out every day. I did about 500 sit-ups and exercised my legs and waist every single night.
After a while I started to take laxative pills. In the beginning I took 2 a day, but in the end I took over 20 pills a day (which is very very VERY unhealthy girls, please don't do this because it destroys all your internal organs!!! and it's very addictive)
I also took all sorts of pills to lose weight.
During the following 2 months, I lost another 8 kilograms / 17 pounds,
so I weighed 36 kilo's / 79 pounds.
I looked very sick at that time, I was skin and bones and alot of people were very worried.
Some people literally got sick when they saw me. I looked like a freakin' corpse.
My ribs were sticking out and my legs and arms were like twigs.
I had also stopped menstruating because I was highly underweight.
My hair started falling out because of the lack of vitamines and my body temperature became so low that my skin turned purple-blue and I was freezing all the time.
By that time, I hardly even ate breakfast anymore (I only ate 3 smalls breakfasts a weak and that was it).
I also stopped drinking.
sometimes I wouldn't eat or drink for 4 days in a row, absolutely nothing.
I was very depressed, I cried every night and I never went out (only for school).
I used to sleep all the time, I think I slept 10 to 14 hours every night.
That was because I was exausted, I was highly dehydrated.
My mother was upset all the time and my teachers were very worried and tried to convince me to eat.
But I wouldn't, I couldn't.
My stomach hurted like hell and I fell really sick when I ate something, even if it was just a strawberry.
I just couln't bare food anymore.
People used to stare at me and one day a woman even came up to me and said that I looked afwul.
During the summer, I only weighed 33 kilo / 72 pounds.
(Note: A girl of my height (1m55 / 5'1") is already underweight at 45 kilo / 97pounds.)
All together, I had lost 22 kilograms / 48 pounds.
My family was scared that I would die.
It's very common for girls with anorexia / bulimia to die of heart failure, a heartattack, exaustion, dehydration, etc..
After summer I went to another school (yes, again). In this school nobody had an eating disorder (or not that I knew of anyway). Alot of the girls were very curvy or fat and ate alot.
But I still had anorexia for a few months.
I think it was a month before christmas, I started to eat again.
But the problem was that my body wasn't used to that anymore so I gained ALOT of weight..
It was auwful.
In only 2 months time, I gained 23 kilo's / 50 pounds !!!!!
My weight at that time was over 57 kilo's / 125 pounds.
I weighed even more than what I weighed before my anorexia started!
I started to throw up again every day because I felt so terrible being so fat.
And yes, I was really fat!
I looked very swollen and ugly. My face was like a baloon and my body was like an elephant.
People started to comment on me, about how fat I was...
I wanted to lose weight so badly but I just didn't have the strenght to stop eating anymore.
You know, having an eating disorder is very hard and not fun at all.
It makes you very sick and depressed and you can die any moment of the day.
So anyone who reads this and wants to lose weight, please be careful... it's such a horrible thing.
You can never get rid of an eating disorder as soon as you develope it!!!
You have to live with it for the rest of your life (some can controle it, others have anorexia / bulima over and over again), it never leaves your mind.
Anyway. I used to be fat for the next 2 years. I looked like a pig.
And I threw up almost every day.
After those 2 years, all the sudden I started to lose weight without even wanting that. It just happened.
I ate normal (3 meals a day) but I lost about 3 kilo's / 7 pounds.
weight: 54 kilo / 119 pounds.
A year later, I had lost another 3 kilo's / 7 pounds.
weight: 51 kilo / 112poundq.
And now, again a year later, I have lost another 2 kilo's. / 5 pounds
My current weight: 49 kilo / 108 pounds.
I have to admid that in the last month, I have been diëting.
I skip meals as much as I can and yes, I throw up alot again these days.
I can't help it... I really want to lose weight.
Bulimia is a disease and I have been having it for 8 years now.
I'm not anorexic at the moment, but I'm scared that i'm heading that way again.
On one hand, I so badly want to be anorexic again.. but on the other I know that it will distroy me this time.
My goal is to weigh 47 kilo / 103 pounds by christmas.
And if all goes well I want to lose some more after that too.
Anyway, this was my story.
Next time I'll tell you some more about my eating disorder and my life.
Take care and feel free to comment